Kerr Smith looks inward in her new memoir, “I Don’t Want to Wait.” In the new book, out Tuesday, Nov. 10, Smith details his experiences on “Dawson’s Creek,” including the process of learning that his character, Jack McPhee, would come out as gay.
In the exclusive excerpt below, he details conversations he had with Kevin Williamson and Greg Berlanti during filming, as well as discussions in the years that followed. As seen below, the book also includes an interview with James Van Der Beek in 2025.
Read the full quote:
KER: Greg, do you remember the night we met? I will never forget this. It was probably five or six episodes into the second season when you and Kevin jetted into town.
GREG: Yes, I was there when he came to tell you. To give some context—because I think this is important—straight actors at the time didn’t want to play gay roles. At that time, nine out of ten straight actors did not want to play gay roles. Even if they were not heterosexual, nine out of ten male actors did not want to play gay roles. So the fact that you found out after you were hired would say a lot about who you are as a person in terms of how you react. I don’t think people can understand the pressure most players will be under. From what I told you, we all thought this was going to be a disaster… or at least, “Hmmm, I wonder how this will turn out…”
We were shooting in downtown Wilmington that day. Between takes, as the lights were being reset and the cameras were rolling, Kevin walked up to me in the video village, pulled me aside, and said:
KEVIN: “Kerr, let’s go get a cup of coffee.”
I immediately think: Damn, am I getting fired? Am I about to lose the best six-episode gig I’ve ever had? Then I thought, Or does he want to make the character gay? I know it sounds crazy, but I had this idea because the “core four” were different aspects of Kevin’s personality and there wasn’t a character on the show that represented his sexuality. “Let’s go get a cup of coffee.” It was a very full moment, and then I blurted it out…
KER: Yes, of course let’s do it!
…as comfortably as I could, with my heart beating so fast out of my chest. After chatting for a block or two about the show, the shooting schedule, and how things were in Los Angeles, we found ourselves at a coffeehouse on Front Street downtown. I ordered a caramel macchiato and we found a table. We sat there for what seemed like a week. Then Kevin looked into my eyes and said…
KEVIN: Kerr, Jack and I will go a different way.
My head was spinning. I instinctively knew what he was talking about, but it also didn’t quite answer the question swirling around in my head: Was I fired? . . Or is he gay? Then Kevin looked into my eyes again—a kind of painful memory, even to this day—and said: . .
KEVIN: Look, we want this to be Jack. We want Jack to make an impact as a young gay character in prime time. We can do this with you or we can find someone else to do it and, you know… find something else Jack needs to do.
At that moment, I was pretty sure I knew what this meant: Do this, or I’ll create another character who would enjoy getting to know you. It hurt, to be honest. It was my first really big prime time role – one of the best roles on television at the time – and three months later I was asked to take on this huge responsibility; My character was about to go from a cute new love interest to a guy who might not be accepted by a significant number of people. There was also another, younger, more likeable group that would definitely love Jack’s new direction. This can really help them.
Twenty-six years later, when Kevin and I sat down again, I gained a little more perspective as he recounted his own memories of that fateful day.
KEVIN: I was very nervous to tell you this and awkwardly asked for your permission, because if you had said no it would have ruined my whole plan. I mean, I was rocking and rolling with this story. When I started talking about this with Greg, Julie, and Paul, we were all excited. So we were a little nervous because you think, “I don’t want to do this. This is what I signed up for.” If that were your answer, we would have to do a lot of redevelopment.
I remember trying to be professional on the outside but going crazy on the inside. In Kevin’s memory… that wasn’t my best acting that day.
KEVIN: I could see the fear in your eyes. It was as if this meant the end of his role, the end of his job. I don’t remember you being that interested in the gay story. I remember you saying: “When I come out of the closet and have this great story… will I walk away then?” I tried to assure you that this wouldn’t end where we took Jack. “If that’s where the character goes, you’ll be a part of this show forever.”
I took a breath, looked at Kevin and said: . .
KER: Give me the rest of the day. Let me call a few people to clear my head a bit.
Kevin was really generous with my hesitations. He didn’t seem angry at all and told me he completely understood that I wanted to take some time to think. Then we returned to the set together, and I quickly got on the phone with a handful of trusted people (my dad, my sister Alison, my agent, my manager… and a Horseman).
MATTE FRANKS: You didn’t know what to do. You were worried. This hasn’t been done on television before, and you potentially don’t want to be typecast. You looked absolutely terrified.
My sister pushed me away from the edge, as she always did. No one does cheerleading like Alison.
ALSON SMITH: Kerr, you’re going to destroy this and really bring your character to life. You have a way of bringing originality and heart to your roles, and I know many people will appreciate that. I’m proud of you!
That day, as I walked back and forth, every single person in the immediate area listened to me. And ultimately, each came to the same advice: “Do it.” At the end of the day I got my answer. I tracked down Kevin in the video village where it all started and I said…
KER: I’m in.
Years later, I learned that, like Kevin, the other producers, including Greg and Julie, were really nervous about approaching me with this marrow in Jack’s story.
Courtesy of the Everett Collection
JULIE: I was sweating bullets, “Oh, we just threw that on someone!” I felt like.
GREG: I was in Kevin’s trailer when he came back and he said, “You know, he was great about that. He was really great about that.”
KEVIN: You were really good at this. It could have gone in a completely different direction!
“Awesome” was the last thing I was. Even after making the decision (I acted like I had a choice, but let’s be real, I didn’t) I sought reassurance from the father figure on the show. Dawson’s father himself enters.
JOHN WESLEY SHIP: When they first said they were thinking of turning Jack gay, you asked me to go to lunch with you.
KER: I didn’t know who else to go to other than Berlanti, and the authorship issue was scaring me.
JOHN: Oh my god, this made me so emotional! I’m so… is “proud” the right word? Tell us about Dawson’s standout memories; lunch is in the top three or four. I was trying to sound so careful that I said, “Kerr, if you’re not gay, there’s nothing to worry about. If you are, it might cause spelling problems, but if you’re not, I just say, ‘What an actor!’ they will say.
That wasn’t the only idea John shared with me that day, nor was it the most convincing.
JOHN: I said two things: “One, this is a story Kevin wants to tell, so if you agree to do it, you’ll get the most out of what Kevin writes in your scenes.” And second, “Don’t feel like you have to go on talk shows and legitimately assert your heterosexuality. That will make Kevin uncomfortable. If you’re straight, you’re just straight.” And that’s how you did the role. You just played your part.
That was all I wanted when it came to playing Jack. I wasn’t going to lean into any ridiculous stereotypes. I wanted this man to be real and for the circumstances to prove Jack was gay. They tried to change my hair, which I pushed back; I think they tried to make Jack look a little cooler, but it wasn’t overly so. It wasn’t much.
KEVIN: When you come out, you don’t magically change your DNA and everything about you. I wanted him to stay true to who he is. I wanted Jack to come out of the closet as Jack.
Twenty years later, my fellow actors echoed this sentiment.
JAMES VAN DER BEEK: I thought it was a really good thing to bring that up, it was a good thing to do that, it was a good thing to set an example for the kids because you played him as a strong man. Unfortunately and unfairly, this was not the stereotype at the time.
MARY WHAT A BAILE: Since I am actually a theater person, most of the comments I receive come from the stage door after the show. People who want to tell me how much Dawson’s Creek influenced them, how important it was. And I would say a lot of that has to do with our relationship with Kerr, the relationship between Grams and Jack. This really hit them hard.
JOHN: Meanwhile… busloads of Baptists were protesting outside the studio doors, chanting, “No more gay promotion! No more gay promotion!”
God. I remember those ugly chants. I remember hearing these while sitting at the table where we had lunch. The cafeteria was located near the front of the stage and was separated from the studio doors by a concrete wall. I never received any threats and was mostly operating with blinders at the time… but I wasn’t completely unprepared. Even with all the support I received from the cast and crew, it was hard not to feel alone when I heard people screaming about Jack, gays, and grossness. Especially since the cement wall is decorated by hand–Painted portrait of the “core four”. All along my run Dawson CreekI’ve never felt more like a fifth wheel.