Mel Robbins has heard of the “make them” theory. In fact, he says he’s been trying for years.
“And it’s not working,” he tells TODAY.com backstage at Studio 1A on Oct. 28.
On this season of “Nobody Wants This,” Morgan (Justine Lupe) goes viral with a solo episode of the podcast she usually co-hosts with her sister Joanne (Kristen Bell). Referring to Robbins’ “let them go” theory, he proposes an alternative: make them.
“Let Them Go”, which is also the name of Robbins’ blockbuster book, is, according to Robbins, a kind of surrender based on fortitude and ancient philosophy. In a previous interview with TODAY.com, she said the concept allows you to “see people exactly as they are, instead of stressing yourself out by wishing they were different.”
Morgan’s “make them” theory is the exact opposite. instead of allowing people do what they want, you do it They do it however you want.
Robbins watched “Nobody Wants This” and was struck by the obvious reference because, he says, it was proof that his book was now “part of the culture.”
Below, Robbins breaks down “do” and “let them go” on the new cover of People Magazine and explains whether his three kids are heeding his famous advice in a conversation with TODAY.com.
What do you think of the ‘do them’ theory?
I have been using the “do” method for 54 years. I’ve tried to get him to do the dishes, lose weight, change his mind, go to therapy, get his homework done, but it doesn’t work. What happens when you try to change someone is that they resist what you make them do.
I think it’s great and fun and funny, but that’s how we all live life right now, which is why we’re all so stressed and why we’re all frustrated in our relationships and our relationships with other people.
I think it’s much more strategic to work with neuroscience and allow people to honor their own experiences. Let people explain who they are to you and see your example. A funny thing happens and it’s not my theory, it’s real science. When someone has the space to sit on their own and someone doesn’t feel pressured to change, they suddenly believe it was their idea. They suddenly find room to step into the things you’ve been striving for forever, because no one wants to be told “I told you so.”
Were you flattered when you heard the ‘do them’ theory in the program?
I love the show, I love everyone on the show, and I’m flattered. I created a simple theory that explains Stoicism and radical acceptance, Buddhism and the serenity prayer, because that’s what the “let them go” theory is.
When you see people not only practicing it but becoming part of the culture… you see people joking about it; You know you are sharing something valuable. If it’s something simple, if it works, if it sticks in a way that people can remember, then that would be a really good idea.
You have three children. Are they listening to you?
No, definitely not. I am their mother. Why should they listen to me? They are biologically designed to oppose and resist anything I try to make them do. I learned the best advice I wish I had received when I was born in my 50s, and that is this. Every parent should repeat this sentence: D.Do you want my advice or just want me to listen? Ninety-nine percent of the time, your children and everyone in your life just wants you to listen.
But no, my kids don’t listen to me.
I should listen to my mother more. He is always right.
You can’t teach someone the lesson they need to learn by failing or experiencing the pain of doing it your way. You can’t. Some lessons cannot be conveyed through language. These must be learned through experience.
Especially as mothers, we try to prevent you from experiencing the pain we experience. The irony is that we cannot teach the pain you need to learn the lesson.
You’re holding the new People magazine cover. How does it feel?
We are currently a few days away from Halloween. It feels like I’m wearing a costume. I never dreamed for a moment that I would be on the cover of People magazine.
To see something so big happen in my career and to know that it happened because of all the work I’ve done to change myself and become a person I’m proud of, and then to share the things I’ve learned to be celebrated for the work we can all do to change our lives – it’s incredible.
I’m so proud. I’m so glad that the depressed, insecure, jealous, pathetic 41-year-old version of me has pulled herself together and decided that her life is worth working on and making better. Within each of us there is a desire to improve. There is a desire to contribute. There is a desire to be happy. And I hope, in some small way, that this article, seeing how far one person can go in their life in 15, 16 years, and the positive difference you can make, will inspire someone to make the decision to change their life for the better while they have the opportunity.
The inspiring part of your story is that you don’t just wake up.
I woke up mute every day. Really stupid. If you think about it, if you’re really honest with yourself, there are stupid and embarrassing things you’re doing right now. If you really stop and say: “Okay, I can do better. I can take better care of myself. I can learn to have a positive attitude. I don’t have to hang around with negative idiots. … The time I spend complaining and feeling sorry for myself is time I could actually invest in changing my mindset and habits.”
When you do this, you immediately become a different person. Results take time, but as soon as you act differently, you start feeling different. I think that’s what surprised me the most. I was unhappy for a long time. It’s surprising how different and how much better you can feel in a very short time by changing the way you behave every day.